Neighbors July 17, 2009

Speaking directly about those we live nearby, Solomon instructs in Proverbs:25:17,

“Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house -

too much of you, and he will hate you.”

Not only is this important for me to be aware of, but I also want my children to understand this principle in dealing with their friends.  Allow time for your friend to reciprocate.  Don’t always be the one to call and suggest being together.

I think it takes humility to accept the fact that someone needs space.  Don’t take it personally.  Even Solomon recognized the need for space in relationships.

The Drive Home July 2, 2009

I downloaded John Grisham’s new book, The Associate, to my iPhone, Meredith’s iPod was full of TV shows, and the car was on full.  Our twelve hour drive home would be as painless as possible.

I put in my earbuds and we drove off down the road.  I noticed that Meredith was just looking out at the scenery, noticing the oil wells, and counting hawks.  I couldn’t let this opportunity for conversation pass so I removed the earbuds and we started talking about what we were seeing around us.

The drive home was a lot of fun.  I only listened to a couple of chapters of my book the entire 12 hours and Meredith watched a couple episodes of Survivor Man.  But we talked and laughed and listened to the radio.  No contest. The book can wait.

One of our conversations was particularly delightful.

Meredith:   When can I start wearing make-up?

Me:  Uhhh…when do you think you should start wearing make-up?

——–silence———-

Meredith:  I don’t know.

——-silence———–

Me:  I don’t know, either.

We both got tickled.

Date Night June 5, 2009

I love date night with my husband.  We don’t go out very often.   But when we do, I really enjoy it.  I love having all of Scott’s attention for myself.  I love going out to eat and not having to clean up.

The Obama’s had a date night last week and were given a really hard time about it.  I was so glad to see them on a date.  How great that our president is nurturing his marriage.

We should all heed his example.  Pay attention to your spouse.  If you make a promise to your spouse, keep it.  (He had promised Michelle that they would go to a Broadway play after the election.)

Way to go, Mr. President!

Facebook Friendships May 20, 2009

Do you have a Facebook account? Do you facebook people? What is it about Facebook that draws so many of us?

What are some things that you like about Facebook? What are some negatives associated with the social network site?

Analyzing FB seems daunting because it is so complicated, but there is an aspect of “Speed Friendships”. We ache for friends but are pressed for time. We want connections, but not risks of rejection. We want to be involved with people, but that gets messy. Don’t call, you might get stuck on the phone. Facebook them, and then at your convenience, respond…quickly, neatly, and efficiently.

I have heard the time in which you are Facebooking called “nearly now”. You are not really in the present, but neither are you in the past. It’s just “nearly now”. Nearly Now has no pressures. It’s not risky. You won’t be put on the spot. You have time to formulate your response. You have time to formulate how you are perceived. You have much more control. It’s not messy.

People are messy. Relationships are messy.

Just a thought….

Parents, Teens, and Horses April 27, 2009

In a round pen:

1. create an obstacle course for a horse that includes:

• something to go around
• something to go through
• something to go over

2. convince your horse to complete the course with out leading him through it

Those were the instructions that we gave a group of teens and their parents this weekend at a retreat. There were about 60 people there. We had several other similar activities as well.

The point of these exercises was to better understand one’s self through the interaction with the horses. Horses mirror people’s emotions and respond accordingly. In these situations, families are put in real conflict and problem solving situations. It is an opportunity to grow and learn about each other and about one’s self through reflection and metaphors.

The day was really hard for me. It was loaded with meaning and importance. I wanted so much for it to work and be worthwhile and even “Wow” the people who participated. Maybe it was, maybe it did. But I didn’t experience the high I expected.

It was sobering. So much work. So many variables.

We loaded up our 4 horses on Friday and drove up to Camp Tahkodah. After we got the horses situated Friday night, we went down to camp for a few “get acquainted” games. Then to bed around 11:00. Got back up about 8:00, ate breakfast, and then back to check on the horses and start preparing for Saturday’s activities.

Horses plus 60 people sounds like trouble. So I was a little anxious. Actually…a lot anxious.

After an entire day of activities with the horses including a trail ride, I saw the last person go down the mountain to the camp grounds…I breathed a sigh of relief. No one had gotten hurt. Goal number 1.

I go for trainings this summer to Michigan and Texas and will be much more equipped to provide these experiences for others. I feel so green at this! The field of study is called Equine Assisted Learning and I will begin certification this summer as an Equine Specialist.

This has been brewing in my mind for several years and is finally coming together. The rationale for using horses to help people understand themselves and each other is that horses accurately and honestly reflect peoples emotions. You may have been told before to get up on a horse and ride, but don’t be scared or the horse will know it. This takes that tendency of the horse to mirror one’s emotions and allows people to be cognizant of themselves. When a person changes his emotional reaction and then behavior, the horse immediately responds. It is fascinating to watch.

Scott and I spent a session on Saturday night, after horse experiences all day, with just the parents debriefing the activities and how it relates to parenting. Nearly every family unit commented on what they learned during their time working with their family and the horse. The following is a sampling of some of the comments during the debriefing.

• With the horses you could actually see the parenting principles working.
• I realized I am really controlling.
• With horses, time doesn’t matter. How long it takes to get a task accomplished, is irrelevant. You have to stay with them till you’re done.
• Horses want a leader…someone who is confident.
• You can’t make a horse choose to do something. You make it very uncomfortable to choose the ‘wrong’ thing.
• There were times when I didn’t understand what was being asked. Sometimes I expect my children to understand what I mean without much explanation.
• Patience.  Working with horses takes lots of patience.

They seemed to connect the day’s experiences with their own parenting journey, practice new ways of relating, and reflect on ways to improve their relationships. Goal number 2.

These parents want to be close to their teens and help them make the right choices. We have so little time with them. By the grace of God, we raise them to be disciples of his.

Hopefully, this weekend and all of the activities that we did will help parents to be closer to their teenagers and understand some of the dynamics that are present in their homes.

EAL is an emerging field with loads of potential.  I’ve got a lot to learn. This is going to be exciting.

Trust Your Instincts March 25, 2009

In a university’s teacher prep class this week, the professor was talking about caring for your students and showing them that you love them. While no one would disagree that children need to be shown love, one student expressed the concern that some middle school male students that she has worked with in the past have made her feel uncomfortable with hugs they wanted from her.

I didn’t say anything because I was a visitor in class that day, but…tomorrow, I get to teach them some and I feel compelled to go back to her comment.

I want these college women to trust their instincts.  Women, young women, in particular, need the freedom to trust their own instincts without the burden of proof.

A woman doesn’t have to prove to anyone that a man IS creepy or coming on to her to be on her guard or put up some strong walls.

I want my daughter to know that she has my permission to NOT be nice when she gets weird vibes from a man.  And she doesn’t have to prove anthing to me.  I trust her instincts, too.

Trust your instincts and teach your daughters to trust theirs.

They may need your permission to NOT be nice.

Try and Guess March 24, 2009

Do you find yourself missing the mark with people because you try and guess what they want you to do?  Have you ever felt that you have lost yourself?  You’re not even sure what you like or what you think because you are always looking after everyone else?  Consider this quote from The English American,

“…we’re always putting the other person first in our family, we try and guess what the other person wants to do.  And we never tell anyone what we want to do, in case there’s a clash with what the other person wants to do.”

Is this what it means to “consider others better than yourself.” ?  Phil. 2:3  The entire verse says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.”

How do you mesh Phil. 2:3 with being honest and having integrity when dealing with people?  Can you be assertive and open, yet consider others better than yourself?

Can you maintain your own identity and opinions yet possess humility?  How do you nurture your family, put their needs first, be on call all day and long into the night, and still maintain some sense of self?  Do you?

Insert a Period March 19, 2009

Have you ever tried to carry on a conversation with someone and you couldn’t? Not really. You listen and think and want to respond, but you keep waiting for a period….and one never comes.

Some people continue talking  beyond a reasonable limit and keep the conversation all to themselves with ands…buts…umms. These come between their thoughts and would be perfect places for periods, but, alas, one doesn’t come.

What do you do?  Do you jump on in and interrupt?  Do you wait it out and nod your head, letting them talk themselves silly?

Talking too much is a temptation for all of us.  I pray that I will be sensitive enough to sprinkle my sentences generously with pauses and curious enough to listen…really listen to my friends.

I need to remember to insert a period.  Someone may be waiting for a period.

The Wrong Questions March 16, 2009

What is God’s will for you?  How do you know?  Are you confident that you have discovered his will for your life?

• Who does he want you to marry?
• What does he want you to do?
• Where does he want you to live?
• What house does he want you to buy?

These questions can cause so much angst in one’s life.  They can be the source of much frustration and paralyzing doubt.  I have no fleece like Gideon or a prophet to speak to me like David.  How do I decipher God’s will for me?

Has God hidden his plan from me?  Is his will for me a puzzle that I must solve?

Do you feel like you have missed God’s will for your life?  Do you wonder if somewhere along the way you stepped off his road map?

Consider the following:

‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b]“²⁸…….. “Do this and you will live.” Luke 10:26-28

Maybe God has no road map for you.  Maybe God just wants you…just wants your life to reflect his glory whether in Hong Kong or Texas.  Whether married or single.  Whether rich or poor.

Could it be that we are asking the wrong questions?

Perhaps we should be asking:

• Am I reflecting his glory?
• Do I bring honor to him?
• Do I love my neighbor?
• Do I seek his face?

A Taste of Heaven March 9, 2009

Amy, Connie, Mary, Leslie

I got home last night from Florida. We walked for miles on the beach, shopped all over Jacksonville, and went through old pictures.  I am tired and rejuvenated all at the same time.

There was magic this weekend with my college friends.  We picked up right where we left off.  There was a level of acceptance and love that has strengthened through the years.  Not because of shared experiences (we’ve not nurtured these relationships during the past 20 years) but because we have all had our faces turned toward Jesus.  We have all nurtured a relationship with Jesus.

We all have the same goals for our lives and families.  We want to bring honor and glory to God in everything we do.

I was in a safe place this weekend.  I was okay.  I belonged.  I don’t always feel that way.  I’m not always in a safe place with other people.

I think heaven will be a safe place.  I will be okay.  I will belong.  And so will you.

“In my Father’s house are many rooms…I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  John 14:2-3

What a reunion heaven will be.  A place full of people who have nurtured a relationship with Jesus.  I think I had a taste of heaven this weekend.